i got nothin

My peeps I can’t help but apologize to you for the fact that I’m not here to tell you anything really going on in my life.  To be completely honest, there isn’t too much going on really.  My work stress is damn near nil at this point.  I’m so glad I got the new job and am out of the hell I was in.

I can’t seem to find my personal life really.  I’ve been going out and spending time with friends and what not, but it’s just not the same.  I’m not sure that I’ll ever be close to the way that I was before.  I spend my alone time wondering why he didn’t call me and ask me for help.  Why didn’t someone, anyone call me and tell me what was going on so that I could have tried to prevent it.  And this eats at me, plagues me throughout my alone time.  Most people would probably try spending more time with other people so they didn’t have so much free time, but I don’t want to burden anyone with my stuff and I’m not real big on people most of the time anyway.

Hopefully sometime I might be more me, but who knows when it might be.

still a little sad

I am realising more and more that I am horrible at coming up with titles for posts.  And I’m so far behind on my blogs that it’s insane.  I don’t have that many blogs that I’m subscribed to, yet I’m almost 100 behind at this point.  I know that just seems crazy doesn’t it?  It’s just that I can’t get into them like I could before.

I used to love reading everyone’s blogs and keeping up on their lives.  And well, now I’m just eh blah kind of.  There is one blog in which I absolutely love and I find out that it’s been put to private and I can’t get in.  It’s freaking sad I tell you, because there is no telling how much goodness is over there just waiting for me to read and be like “omg” and “i love her”.  Nope now nothing. 

Then there is a friend of mine irl that I haven’t talked to since quitting my old job, not because I don’t still love her but because I’ve kind of been swallowed into my own life and just haven’t quite found the time to breathe.  But I tried to keep up with her on her blog but she’s MIA as well.

And then there are all the other blogs that I subscribe to which is maybe like 20, maybe.  There are only a few that I feel like I’m going to just be mortified if I don’t keep up with them.  Not that I don’t like each and every one of them for one reason or another, but I have a select few that I feel like I’ve really connected with so right now those are about the only ones that have gotten read in the last three weeks.

So I’m sorry if you’re on my blogroll and I haven’t been able to keep up with you lately.  Hopefully, I will be back to normal soon, unless this is my new normal.  If it is, then there’s a lot of sadness that I really don’t want to have on a daily basis.

updating

I wish that life could be so much easier, but it’s not.  My job is great and I’m really feeling confident in it already.  I feel like I can really fit in with the company and my coworkers.  My finances are going ok as well and I’m starting to get where I need to be, it’s a work in progress.  My personal life is well there. 

As I’ve previously written I have some things going on with my family.  And after getting the new job, I still haven’t seen my friends near as much as I would like just yet.  I’m hoping things are going to start slowing down enough in my life that I can start to enjoy it a bit more.

And honestly I’m trying my best to be patient with the one that I want more than anything.  I think I would be perfectly content if he was the only person that I ever spent time with when I got off work every night.  I want to be around him all the time, but I know better than to push too much.  And I know now that I will probably wait forever for him, even if it means letting something else pass me by.  He’s it and that’s all there is.

if only he would have known

Sitting at work today I thought of writing a post tonight about my nephew.  The more I thought about it on the way home, I just didn’t know anymore.  But maybe this would be a little bit of therapy.

Well as I’ve said before there was a death in the family and it was one of my nephews.  He was 26 years old and a great person.  He was probably the nicest guy in the entire world and all he ever wanted was to find a woman, settle down and have a family of his own.  Unfortunately he couldn’t find a woman that matched up to his ex girlfriend or at least not in his mind.

Some other stuff happened leading up to his death and there are still a lot of unanswered questions that myself and my family have.  Questions that will probably never be answered now.  Questions that only he could answer.  Like why did this happen?  What happened to cause all of this?  What was the straw that broke the camels back?

Within hours everyone in the family knew what had happened, or at least the fact that he was gone.  It was so unreal.  My sister was in a hell that only a parent knows, but a hell that we were all feeling a part of.  This was our beautiful boy.  The one that was always nice to everyone.  He didn’t know how to be mean (although I tried to teach him) unless he was really drunk and felt like he was at the end and then he would explode.  But he always felt bad about it afterwards, ALWAYS.

I took control of everything regarding the funeral pretty much, which meant that I had to keep my emotions in check.  My niece and Pooh helped me pick out his clothes for his parents to choose from.  Two of my nieces, one being his sister, helped me narrow down the music for the visitation and funeral.  And Pooh helped me pack his entire house and move everything out (along with his two sons).

This all took place in about a week, maybe a little longer than that, but not much.  And now I sit back and think of what or I should say who I’m missing.  I can’t imagine being here without him.  I spoke to him almost on a daily basis.  I miss him everyday.  I’m not sure where to go from here, but luckily for me I do have a really great support system.  I won’t go to my family with a lot of my issues, but my friends are there for me like they always are and I am grateful for that.

I just wish he would have known what a great support system he had.  How much he was loved by everyone.

180? not setting well

I’m sure that you might be wanting a little more explanation on the death in my family, but because this is my blog, you’re not going to get it right now.  I can’t put into words everything I’m feeling about that right now.  Well I’m sure I could sum it up but I still can’t or won’t do it.

Right now, I’m here to bitch, plain and simple.  Just have a question.  How the hell do you tell someone you love them (even in the you’re my best bud kind of way) and then for the next week treat them like shit?  I’m just curious because I can’t come up with a reasonable explanation for the complete fucking 180.

 

not feelin it

Sorry for not being around here lately.  I haven’t been able to catch up on blogs either.  But I will try to do better.  There was a death in the family this past week and I’m still not ready to write about that.  It was one of my nephews that I am was very close to.

I did also start my new job on Wednesday.  My first three days went rather well and I think that I’m going to really like what I’m doing.  Sorry that this is so short and what not, but I really just don’t feel this write now.

sleep please?

So first things first, I have to make amends for the whole foot in ass comment towards the one keeping me awake with his coughing all night long.  He found out yesterday that he has emphysema.  This really freaking sucks.  My dad had emphysema and it’s really what ended up killing him.  Although, he did live much longer than the doctors thought that he might.

So I’ve made my amends and I’m wishing him the best in getting better.  It’s a lousy thing to have happen to you.  So anyway.  I need sleep and I’m thinking I’m not going to get it this week so my plans for this weekend are seriously just to sleep.  I need all the rest I can get before next week.  Although I’m sure I could be coerced to do something or another if the right person asked.

tax season finally over!

Well I got my letters today to get going on the new job.  I have to fax back a form accepting the job although I had already verbally accepted it.  They have a bit of a crazy process of doing things, but for all I know it’s the way everyone does things now.  I’ve been out of the job hunting loop for a while, forgive me.

Also, I’ve officially made it through my last tax season.  I don’t ever want to put together anymore returns ever again.  I know that that sentence is a complete and absolute mess but I don’t care.  I want to be free from my current job and start the new one really bad.  Only three more days.  Yay!

One week to go

and then I’m out of this hell that I’ve lived for the last 7 1/2 years of my life.  I really thought that I would die at this job, or retire at a ripe old age.  No longer.  I am going to a place where it might actually be comfortable to retire.

And sorry for the lack of updating lately.  Work and life have been kicking my ass.  And it’s really starting to hurt.  Also, the fact that we have a house guest this week that can’t seem to stop trying to get one of his lungs up out of his throat.  Much more lack of sleep and I’m sure I can help him with my foot up his ass!

dying

As I write this I swear that I’m dying.  I’ve been crappy all week with all the work I’ve got to get done before I leave.  But at the same it’s eh.

And today it’s a high/low day.  I don’t know what you’ll get but I’m sure it won’t be good.